dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
