New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
