dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Randomize
