so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
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I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
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somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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