I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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