i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
