On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
