I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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