Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
