Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
