His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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