I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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