sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
