why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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