my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
