Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
The ass gains better be worth it
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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