girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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