Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
