I hate your face
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
