I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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