I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
