Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
