wrigley field is MILF paradise
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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