This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
