i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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