Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
