peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
