I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
