i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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