someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
What drink are we having for lunch?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
