OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
