Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
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tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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