I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
