I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
