All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
