I just cut my nipple shaving
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
