Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I wish there were birth control emojis
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
my liver is dry heaving
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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