mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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