I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
