dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
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you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
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She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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