I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
