Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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