Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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