Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
not ubering you a puppy
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
