if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
