I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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