my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
