i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
