i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
