i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
nutella sex= disaster
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
