I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
