I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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