I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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