I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
