I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
