U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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