Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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