I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
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In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
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the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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