There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
